Therapy
by AgentGabs
Summary: A small one-shot, Kate's roommate deals with Johanna Beckett's murder. Completely AU seeing how the timeline doesn't really fit that of the show.


Therapy

I'm running a little late today, which is probably a good thing because it means I don't have to sit in the waiting room for very long.

Dr. Hoffman calmly walks in and calls me into her office. "Good morning, how are you doing today?"

"Are you asking me as my therapist or just in passing for conversation?" I chuckle as I take a seat on the couch by her desk.

"Hiding behind your humor again?" She sits at her desk and looks at me. "What happened? Why did request an 'emergency meeting' as you put it?"

I can tell by the tone of her voice that's she worried, probably scared that I'm going to hurt myself, but there is also a tone of relief that I at least called to see her before I attempted anything drastic.

"It's not so much me today. I-"

I don't know exactly how to start to say what I need to tell her, but I know if I don't get this stuff out there, I won't be able to sleep, I won't be able to cope.

"Remember my roommate, the one from New York?"

Dr. Hoffman nods. "Kate, right?"

"Yeah, we both agreed that she was a good person and I shouldn't have to worry about being friends with her."

See I have trust issues, big ones, so for me to open up and consider a person a friend, it's a big thing.

"Well, I don't know if I can be her friend anymore."

Dr. Hoffman furrows her brow in concern, but doesn't say anything, giving me the chance to speak freely.

"Her mother was killed." My gaze moves from looking at Dr. Hoffman to my hands, which are folded in my lap.

"She got the call about 3 days ago. She's currently getting her things in order to go back home."

I look up from my hands back to the good doctor, she's not getting what I'm trying to tell her.

"See here's the thing." I begin to explain to her. "I know how to deal with depression. I know what the warning signs are and I know what to do when I see them in myself or in others. I know what it looks like when someone is on their last rung, wanting nothing to do with this life. I've been there, and I know what it's like. Depression, sadness, cutting, suicide, coping, recovery, therapy… all those things, everything that one deals with. I know it because it's my story. But this?"

I raise my hands to indicate the unseen problem.

"I don't know what to do? I don't even know if I want anything to do with this."

Dr. Hoffman makes a few notes in her notepad. I never know what she's writing down during our sessions, but what I'd give to have a peek into my file…

"The last 3 days have been hell for Kate, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. My parents are home, safe, alive… I've never lost someone. Hell the closet I've come to loss was losing myself, but I think in the long run that doesn't really count."

I stand and begin pacing the room.

"I know we agreed that helping and being there for people was probably not the best thing for me to do, investing in the happiness of others while ignoring myself is the worst thing I could do because it is what I do, this whole getting involved and ignoring my needs. I know this, which is why I've avoided getting close to anyone, but what the hell am I supposed to do about this?"

I scream the last part out to Dr. Hoffman. Expecting her to give me an answer, but I know she won't. She never does, always makes me work it out for myself, which really does suck sometimes.

"I can't let her deal with this on her own, she won't survive this. I'm beginning to see the signs. And I know you're probably thinking, 'Well yeah? It's called grief'. Yeah I took psychology 101 too. But this isn't part of the process. If she falls into the depression stage, she'll NEVER get out. She may not take the same route I took, but she won't be able to get out intact."

I sigh and sit back down.

Dr. Hoffman looks at me, a small smile playing on her face.

"Oh, you're gonna laugh at me now? Really Doc?"

"No I'm not going to laugh. I'm just proud of you."

"What?" Did I hear correctly? The doctor is proud of me? I can't figure out what to do about myself or my friend and she's proud of me?

"Yes, proud."

She moved to put her notebook down and looks me straight in the face. "You've come here week after week, lost, confused, unsure of who you are, what you want to do and what you feel you need to do with your life. But today is the first time you've acknowledged what has happened to you, who you are and how you choose to handle things. And for that, I'm proud. You've come a long way from the scared little girl I met in the hospital last year, and here you are now, alive and concerned for your friend."

"Yes! I know all that!" I exclaim. "So what? What am I supposed to do about Kate? I can't help her, I don't even know if I should!" I scream. I take a breath and lower my voice. "But I can't leave her! I can't leave her alone to deal with what I know is coming!"

"Exactly," she says in a calm voice. "You know you can't help her in the way you want to, and I know you're scared that if you get involved you're just going to further hurt yourself, but I know you, and I know you've already made your decision."

God, I hate when she does that. There are times in which I really hate that my therapist gets me as much as she does. I mean it's a good thing, helps out when I can't get a grip on things, but with this… it's annoying.

"So what will it be? What are you going to do?"

I sigh, and in a small voice I reply. "I'm going to help her. Despite everything, I'm going to be there for her. Just because no one was there for me, I'm- I'm not going to let that happen to her. I'm going to make sure she doesn't have to feel alone."

At admitting that out loud, I feel my breath catch in my chest and the tears forming. The memories all rushing at me at once, of being alone, lost and scared with no one to turn to. I won't let Kate go through that, and I'll be there for her.

Dr. Hoffman and I spend the rest of our hour going over what I'll do and hitting on painful memories and trying to find a way to cope with both my demons and how I'll be there to help Kate through hers.

I know I'll never be able to help her like a real friend could, but then again how does a friend help someone when their mother was just murdered?

I'm going to do the only thing I wish someone had done for me. I'm just going to stand at her side or at her back and just be there, whether she needs me or not because in the end, just knowing that someone is there is enough sometimes.

On my way home from Dr. Hoffman's I decided to stop at the campus bookstore for a cup of coffee. Browsing the selections I see something that catches my eye. It's clearly some pulp murder mystery novel, with its garishly ugly red cover and cliché half-naked woman posing, but the title is what catches my eye. "Kissed and Killed". I quickly read the summary on the side cover and laugh. A killer cutting off tongues and privates of its victems? The seedy underbelly of the fashion industry? Such a silly plot, how could I not buy it? At least that's the reason I told everyone why I bought it- not for the handsome face looking back at me from the back cover of the book.

Walking back to the dorms I thought that if the book was any good, maybe I'd pass it along to Kate for the plane ride back to New York.

* * *

><p>AN: Just a little something that popped into my head this morning. Just had to get it out before it manifested itself into something bigger... or worse!  
>I hope someday we'll learn just how Kate started reading Castle's books, and she'll tell them that they saved her and it will be a wonderful cute little Caskett moment, but in the mean time I'm gonna picture this scene in my head.<p>

This little fic has a lot of personal weight behind it, and I could probably go back and fix a few things here and there and touch on a few places and expand it into a fuller story, but for now I'm just going to leave it at that.

And no, I haven't given up on Undercover Kate, but I haven't exactly started on the next chapter...oops. :)

EDIT: As phnxgrl pointed out in the reviews, this would never have happened, seeing how the timeline doesn't fit. (Check it out the review, they do a great job in lining up the dates and events of that time for Kate!). But in my own little headcannon, this is how it happened :)

And on a personal note, I'm the person in the therapist's office. Only cept for me my roommate's mother wasn't killed, her father died of skin cancer, but unlike the character, my depression didn't let me be there for her when it was needed. In fact things got kinda rough for the two of us, me dealing with my issues and her dealing with her father. I guess this is just me trying to work my issues through writing and kinda hoping that in the Castle universe someone was there for Kate in a way I wasn't there for my roommate.


End file.
